Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
