I am in a vortex of obligation.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
