Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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