What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's official drugs can't kill me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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