So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
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you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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