More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
