How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
