ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
