i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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