Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
