Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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