Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
