I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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