"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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