The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
