could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
false alarm. still invincible.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
