So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
