how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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