Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
