Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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