This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
