also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
