I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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