dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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