You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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