My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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