Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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