I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
