And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
