There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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