Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I party with great urgency now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
