I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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