just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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