As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
