He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
