Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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