Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
