i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
