you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
