Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
