I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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