Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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