Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This baby is an asshole
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
