i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
