Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
