Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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