You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
