just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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