I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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