susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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