you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
