i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
