So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum