Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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