I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
