pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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