our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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