I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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