I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
