Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
