i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
