So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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