hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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