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• (248): View more from Michigan

  i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.

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• (831): View more from California

  I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

  (1-831): View more from California

  Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...

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• (631): View more from New York

  New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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• (305): View more from Florida

  Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

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• (334): View more from Alabama

  Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.

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• (574): View more from Indiana

  Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.

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• (334): View more from Alabama

  Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  You slipped off the sink last night.

  (334): View more from Alabama

  Why was I on the sink......?

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  ;)

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• (850): View more from Florida

  To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Did you at least share?

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.

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• (763): View more from Minnesota

  Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.

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