my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Houston, we have a blender
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
